Lovingheart

Linsy and I shared a tearful hug goodbye at the Kingston bus station.  She and Moira we catching the bus east to Montreal and Marlon and I were heading west toward home.  It is a big step for Linsy and she is nervous.  Completely understandable.  I know I have decided to take steps and make changes and when I make that decision it seems right.  Then when the time gets closer, I wonder why I am making the change and worry I am making a mistake.  Challenges help us to grow and learn. And yes, I think we will both miss each other, that much more after having been together so much during our vacation.  Yet she is ready for change and distance. When Marlon and I arrived home, the house seemed a little empty.  I am down two people as Paco is away for a few days for work.  I keep wondering when someone else will be coming home. But Thomas and Mojo were happy to see us.  One of the first things Marlon said to his dad was, 'I am much stronger now...

We have had a couple of laughs about words or sentences being incorrectly heard or misunderstood. I heard Olivia as she was walking into the through, saying 'Minus thirty'.  I reacted in surprise to hear that at this time of year.  What she had really said was, 'Mine is dirty'. We walked and swam and ate and swam some more and ate more too! I didn't think there was any way Marlon would finish the whole burger but he did and kept sighing with contentment afterward. An evening canoe ride and by the time Marlon went to bed he was so tired he could barely complete a full sentence. Our vacation is over, and I asked if he would have liked to stay longer and he thought, yes he would, but he is also happy to go home.

We left Montreal and will spend a few days at the cottage.  Before leaving, we visited with Lawrence as he wanted to show Marlon the Athena statue near his place. We didn't get to Olivia's cottage until later in the afternoon but still had time for a swim before supper.  Marlon was saying he'd rather swim in pools but still enjoyed the swim.

It has been an emotional day.  Not because of anything bad.  Just life. Marlon had an existential meltdown 'What is my life What is truthfully the point of it?' He took many of my suggestions and turned them on himself to fuel his upset.  All this work he has to do to get better, even rebuilding his strength and health.  His long cry was sad and emotional. He recovered and got extra time while Moira, Linsy, and I went out for a walk.  He needed a recovery day, and while Minecraft and videos may not be nourishing his inner self, an escape is not always bad.  We were gone a few hours and Marlon was fine and happy and in good spirits when we returned. We had two Lawrence's over for dinner.  One is my nephew who lives in Montreal, and Moira's house co-owner and friend.  Big Lawrence, as Moira's friend is called, has been part of our family for over thirty years and he used his smoker to make pulled pork for our dinner.  Marlon really enjoyed it....

After  breakfast, we let Marlon rest, aka have Minecraft time, and Moira, Linsy, and I went for a bike ride.  I wasn't sure about leaving him but I think he actually wanted us to leave because it meant he could have more uninterrupted computer time.  He may not think it good, but overall he has had less screen time this holiday.  I see how much it rules his thoughts, his days, and I feel concern. The afternoon, as per Marlon's request, we took a subway ride.  Went to old Montreal and wandered around. If his teeth look a little blue, it is because we bought cotton candy. He did a lot of walking and was quite tired.  He decided he had to try Montreal poutine so we drove to a place for supper.  He likes his favourite one from home better. There was some sort of bike rally with so many roads blocked off and it made going to the planned ice cream shop impossible.  Eventually, Moira directed us to a completely different part of town. By the time we got ...

We are all grateful Marlon was feeling much better today because it was a full one.  I decided for our holidays I wanted to go zip-lining and/or to a water park.  Today we went to a water park in Saint-Sauveur.  It was quite an amazing place in the Laurentian mountains with slides of various shapes and sizes.  I wasn't sure how much Marlon would be able to do but we did one and he was all excited. 'That was exhilarating!'. We did a different one and another and many more.  Often it required walking steep paths up the side of the hill.  I kept watching him and suggesting any little thing I could to make it easier.  We stopped for a late lunch and he said maybe one more but he did three.  We wanted to do one more but he wanted the wave pool again.  So we let him go his way and we went ours.  The wait was a long one.  I went back a few times to check on him and he was so happy bouncing around in the water. It was a great day for a wate...

Unfortunately, Marlon did not have the best day.  He threw up first thing.  He didn't have much appetite for breakfast and only a little lunch.  We went out in the afternoon, and after a little walking he was done and overheating.  We waded in the water, skipped rocks, then went to get ice cream.  He wanted two scoops, and I said one would be plenty, and it was.   We managed to get lucky and find a vacant swing-picnic table at which to enjoy our treat. He didn't make it through supper before throwing up.  He was pretty miserable but we watched a show and he forgot about feeling bad. Hopefully, he will be better tomorrow.

My chaotic scrambling continued this morning but Marlon and I did get to the hospital.  The usual wait before his procedure and then a little bit before he was put under, he had a strong wave of nausea. It was likely from the chemo drug he had a while before.  After the sedation, he was much more groggy than usual.  I was feeling nervous, watching some jerky movements and him saying he couldn't open his eyes.  All went well, he recovered, and we got out. Louise took us to the designated area, where we met Linsy.   It was 2 pm when Linsy, Marlon, and I started the drive towards Montreal.  Unfortunately, we were in a car without air conditioning so it was a hot one.  Marlon played Minecraft with friends until the aging laptop ran out of battery. We made it to Montreal after 930 and, once the car was unpacked, Moira and I ran out to buy ice cream to give Marlon his pills.  Much later than usual.

Argh!  Feel like I am racing against the clock.  Not an uncommon one for me.  Leaving in the morning for the hospital with Marlon and then he and I are heading to Montreal with Linsy. Yesterday, I baked zucchini-banana bread, and today granola bars and breakfast brownies.  Part of a care package for Linsy. Always so much to do to get ready.  Doesn't help that I feel like a disorganized mess! I was thinking how so many cancer patients end up with some kind of nerve damage due to chemo drugs.  I have been consistently reminding Marlon to do his leg/ankle stretches.  Hopefully, he will see the physiotherapist at the hospital tomorrow.  I feel like his ankles should be doing better but I'm not sure. Need to remember to slow dow, breathe, and appreciate the beauty out there 

Out for dinner two nights in a row.  Tonight we were invited to Linsy's boyfriend's for dinner.  I don't know the last time the five of us have gone to dinner at someone's place.  Years and years, if ever. It was a goodbye dinner for Linsy.  On Tuesday, she is heading to Montreal to see what life looks like there. It was a beautiful evening to sit outside, eat good food, enjoy wonderful company, watch chickens wandering, and puppies playing.  A perfect mix.  Marlon loved everything about the food.  He really enjoyed last night's dinner but said this one was even better. They had to practically drag me away from the puppies.

In response to my decision-making woes, a friend from many many years ago reminded me how good I was at telling him what he should be doing.  Ugh!  Too true and too horrible to be reminded of.  Always have an opinion, always have a different way, something to say.  Bossy as if I know what is better for anyone else. So that would be like putting myself in someone else's shoes and telling them what to do.  I just feel shame at the truth of how pushy I can be.  I see that often in my relationship with my kids and I remember my mom being the same way. Another reminder that I am an imperfect human being with so much to learn and there will always be a need for humility and awareness.  I am grateful for those times I can observe opportunity. We have been talking for a while about going out to dinner together and we finally made it happen tonight.  Yummy Mexican food.

An interesting coincidence yesterday.  We stopped at A&W and they were doing a one-day fundraiser for MS.  It is something that had been advertised for a while but I forgot it was the day until we got there.  On our way home, when we stopped by to say hi to the puppies, a girl that I hadn't seen in a couple of years, stopped by as well.  Both her mom and grandmother have MS.  Not easy for her but it felt like synchronicity. We had friends over for a swim again today.  Another great day for it. An org (Minecraft?) and Professor Pig.  He doesn't draw much these days because he is uninspired as to what to draw and he refuses to enlist the help of drawing tutorials, either online or books.

I look at my decision-making process and see a long history of deciding between two things.  Eenie, meenie, minie, moe… I go back to my early 20's when I sold my car and was going back to school and I wanted a good walkman.  The back and forth.  I see it with cars and so many other items over the years.  The questioning, the mind, the rationalization, the heart,... And yes, it works better to listen to the heart, but the mind comes up with all these good arguments, and then I wonder what is what.  Is that my mind talking or my heart feeling?  That small voice.  Some decisions have better outcomes than others but I learn and watch. I see myself playing with decisions when driving.  Do I turn or go straight?  Do I take this route or that route?  Small decisions that likely mean nothing but a game to play and observations to make. It was a two swim day.  So lucky to have that option. I managed to get a decent closeup of this rabbit and...

It is nice to have Linsy back home again. Mojo is happy to have her here too.  One of his favourites is the two of them lying together on the floor.  Most nights he is now sneaking onto Marlon's bed.  I have given up stopping him and Marlon is strong enough to handle him there.  He knows he isn't supposed to, so will wait until the last person has gone to bed and then jump on. Marlon was not feeling helpful today, whereas yesterday, both Thomas and I were surprised that he had a productive, helpful time. More puppies.  Different ones, born the same time as the normal ones we visit.  Quite a bit bigger but still so cute.

I reminded Marlon several times today to do his stretches.  I have realized that he doesn't always do them or if he does, he only does one of the three different ones he is supposed to do. He got his Kiwico box today but instead of being the conveyor belt, it was an entirely different box.  Instead of a science-type box, he got a geography/craft box.  He did some of it and I contacted the company and they will send us the proper one. He had another ride on the ATV today.  It was a longer one and he was quite exhilarated after.  He was scared and wasn't sure he was in control but Luc sat back and only jumped in if needed.  Overall, Marlon was pretty happy with that.

I was given a link to the Wellerman recording Marlon did: https://leathertownguitar.blogspot.com/2021/08/wellerman-tutorial-2-real-treat.html LD teaches guitar and added it to her blog.  It was recorded outside to keep distance and at that time the neighbour was cutting her grass.  They recorded without that noise but Marlon and I laughed at the sound of a loud car driving by. The other fun thing was that Marlon had friends over today.  A playdate that has been talked about for months but finally happened.  Three siblings and they all played well together (two of them are also Minecraft buddies).  We had a few plans of things to do but most of the time was spent in the pool.  I didn't get very many pictures as, I too, was enjoying my conversation. Paco is writing his final exam for the summer course he chose to take.  He likes to get ahead.  Linsy is on her way home from her week on the canoe trip and I will go meet her. Including the Wellerman, t...

Once again, Marlon spent a lot of time on the computer.  He had his time this morning with his weekend friends and then early afternoon another friend.  Add some videos on top of that. And I'm just remembering I forgot to remind him to do stretches more often.  His right ankle has some flex but that is partially because he still has very little calf muscle.  The flex on his left foot is 90 degrees.  In other words next to none. Because it is on the cooler side he went for a quick swim today.  Tried out his new swim mask and after the first submerge, he surfaced shouting, 'This thing is awesome!' The lens is not scratched so the view is good and they didn't leak.  Very happy, now if only he the weather would warm up again… Yesterday, Marlon was pretty excited to have the opportunity to drive an ATV.  Apparently steering it is a good workout.

Marlon and I went to the market today, visited the puppies, and then home. The afternoon just passed and I often wonder why I don't get more accomplished.  It's not as though I'm sitting around but the time goes by and I see the messes here and there and all these things to be done.  I do think I do well with lists of things to accomplish but to write a list is one of those things on my imaginary to-do list. We did have someone drop off Minecraft plushies for Marlon and it was nice to have a visit with her.  We haven't chatted in a while. This evening, Marlon threw up.  Was it because he got overexcited playing Minecraft with Paco?  No, I don't think so.  Often he asks for the anti-nausea medication in the evening and I wonder if he really still needs it.  Maybe he does. Another frog rescue.  Most days, a few end up in the pool. I managed to get a picture of a blue heron taking off.  Not the best quality picture but there is something in it.

This morning, Marlon and I visited a fellow Wellerman enthusiast and friend.  She recorded Marlon singing the song with her daughter and daughter's partner.  They are musicians and will see about editing the song.  Though he wasn't outwardly enthusiastic we could tell he was happy to be participating. After Marlon's afternoon swim, I walked with Stella.  At one point, she stopped and I could tell that something up ahead made her nervous.  I thought she would just follow me and walked on.  I was startled by a hawk flying out of a tree right by me and I watched it soar until it flew out of sight.  I noticed Stella was nowhere to be seen and not responding to my call.  I walked back until I saw her right where she had stopped.  I tried to pull her along and was unable to.  I didn't want to go back so I walked on and this time she followed, going to the area that scared her and sniffing around.  All was well after that. There are a coup...

One of my mom's fears was boredom.  Her parents locked her and her two sisters in their attic for a week during the war.  This was to save them from soldiers.  That must have been incredibly boring.  I believe I have inherited some of that fear.  While I am a fairly solitary person, the thought of having long hours with just myself leaves me feeling nervous.  So I keep myself busy or distracted.  A diversion. The sample people at Costco have been asking about Marlon.  They haven't seen him.  Without the samples, he has lost interest in going with me, and to do my part to keep the number of people down, I go alone.  And most of them now know that he has been undergoing treatment as well. Things change. Marlon was playing chess online with a friend today.  He was saying that after a while he loses interest in the game and doesn't pay attention to his moves.  He always says he is easy to beat. His stick-figure flexing his muscles ...

I walked outside this morning and saw what I thought was Stella and wondered why she was there.  Turned out it was a deer and it dashed off into the woods.  I keep remembering the size of its tail.  I would guess it was 18 inches.  It was long and up in the air behind the deer as it bounded away.  The cat was in my arms and he was scared. Marlon went for two swims today and unfortunately, the nose plugs didn't work for him.  They slipped off too easily.  And he broke the mask.  I had him do some research on the computer to find a new one. Josephine came with us to see the puppies. The minute they see their mom they jump up to greet her in the hopes of Mama's milk.  She doesn't always stop long enough to let them. Two new chicks. They are already a week old. I am listening to a book and once again I am struck by some people's ability to stay with their process, to feel their pain, and to remain focused on their journey and healing.  I am ...

Marlon and I went off to the hospital this morning.  Louise is visiting with one of her sons and his family so I drove us down.  While Marlon and I like the connection with Louise, it is also nice to go ourselves.  After waiting quite a while we were told his blood counts are good and we were free to go.  We drove into Guelph where I got him lunch (poutine of course) and we bought nose plugs.  We also had a visit with the puppies though at that time Marlon was playing Minecraft on the phone with friends.  A little more awkward on the phone rather than computer but anything to play with friends. In the evening, he went for a swim but didn't try the nose plugs yet as we need to attach string to them otherwise if they fall off they may get lost.  I tried them on and they were way more uncomfortable than I remember nose plugs being (I did some synchronized swimming a long, long time ago) but hopefully they will work for him. Last week, I shared the bottom ...

With the construction on our road, I biked to pick up Marlon's falafels.  I used to bike all the time but haven't since the end of last August.  My bike is my 'trusty steed' and it felt like a visit with an old friend.  I enjoyed my ride much more than Marlon enjoyed the falafels.  Not as good as the ones he had the other day. Another great day for a swim and Marlon is having more fun in the pool than in previous years.  He is also happy for the exercise and strengthening he gets from it. Linsy rescued a frog from the pool and I was admiring the bright spider on the parsley leaf. This evening I brought Linsy to Olivia in Toronto and in the morning she will head up for a week-long canoe trip.  We will miss her.

Last year, I had planned on going on the annual canoe trip and maybe even taking Marlon.  It's not something I have participated in since having kids.  For various reasons, it didn't work out.  I had figured Marlon's pains would be gone and in retrospect, I am glad we didn't end up going.   It is a year ago today that I took Linsy and Marlon to Niagara Falls.  I wondered if the distraction may help his pains.  No, he was just miserable because his arms hurt and he was unhappy. Luckily, today was a much better day than a year ago.  Yesterday with lunch, Pamela had falafels.  Marlon tried some and since then he has been asking for more.  I didn't get any today but maybe tomorrow.  We'll see. This evening, I did go for a walk with a friend and her dog.  It was nice, but it was after 9 when I got back and Marlon was not happy I had been gone for over an hour at bedtime.  So he stayed up a bit later, we had a chat, and I have b...

My sister Pamela stopped by today on her way home from London.  It was a nice visit and we went to the market together, had lunch in a park, and dessert back home.  Seemed like a lot of driving but it was nice to do something different.  Marlon was reading some 'OMG' facts to us.  One that Pamela appreciated was, 'Mosquitoes can fly through raindrops without getting hit.' He had a good swim and Minecraft time with a few friends and Paco.  Overall, he had a very good day. This little bug landed on my hand.  A little sprite.  At first, when it was folded up, I thought it was a bit of fluff but then the wings came out.

I was brought up with the idea that you only used bandaids if you needed to stop bleeding.  Cuts were best left to air, rather than cover.  I think Thomas was also in that camp and I never really questioned it.  I would get a cut on my hand and think of a week of discomfort with the cut splitting open and getting worse and more painful before getting better.  Being in the kitchen so much, my hands are always being washed and cuts don't heal quickly.  Enter bandaids and my life is transformed.  I have realized they help more than just bleeding.  I wear a bandaid for the first few days of a cut and it heals fast and well.  Revelations after the age of 50.  I think of it today as I cut my finger while working in the garden.  Nothing serious, no blood but that doesn't mean I don't need a bandaid.  The silly little things that make a difference. Today in the water, Marlon was seeing how far he could swim underwater.  Back and forth....

Marlon had a form he was filling out and one of the questions was his favourite store.  The only thing he could think of was Costco with samples.  He hasn't been in one in a year and a half.  The first time he was in a Costco he was around 2 years old and just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.  And then he understood the idea of samples and his outlook changed. I don't imagine samples are for everyone but we enjoy them.  Many years ago, Paco and Linsy had a game of making and serving samples as a meal. I drove down to the hospital this morning to pick up the prescription I forgot to get last week.  Along the way is an inlet and I was surprised to see the water. Yes, that green 'field' behind the black wall is water.  Hmm, not sure what to think of that.

Sometimes, Marlon talks about something as if it is true.  It is something that makes sense to him and he figures it must be so.  Then I am scratching my head thinking, hmm is he right.  Eventually, my brain kicks in and I see the loopholes to his theory.  I don't remember what today's was but I think it had something to do with water as he was swimming when he started talking about it.  Sometimes he knows these obscure facts and sometimes he makes them up.  He's pretty smart so I don't always know if it is just something that makes sense to him and fits with his logic. A beautiful day for a swim.  The top right one is him swimming underwater to avoid being in the picture. Paco got his blood card from when he gave blood.  His blood type is A+.  So all of us are different.  Good thing Marlon didn't need a bone marrow transplant as I assume blood type is a factor in who will be a match.  Had he not responded well to treatment, marrow ...

This evening, Marlon and I were outside throwing a ball around.  Josephine and Stella came out. Stella would not stop barking at Marlon.  We weren't sure what she was going on about.  Now I wonder if she just wanted to engage him in play.  She was wagging her tail.  But she was also trying to nip him and only succeeded in scaring and upsetting him.  She's still just a pup.  Make me think of a little kid that is antagonizing, usually the parent or maybe another child.  They are having fun and enjoying their game but it isn't necessarily ok with others.  Just like a toddler doesn't understand, so it is with the dog. Shake it out and be crazy but maybe not scare others.  She'll learn. Last week at the hospital, I was getting several prescriptions filled for all the medication he'll be taking from now on.  I had ordered one of his pills the week before but forgot to pick that one up while we were there.  So I will be taking a drive...

I suppose it's a good thing I have nothing to say. Marlon was telling me about a dream he had last night about a Pizza Zombie Apocalypse.  He said he felt confused by it when he woke up but he wasn't scared. Though Linsy could have driven herself to see Luc, I like an excuse to see the puppies.  They are so mesmerizing and change so much, so fast. Now that things are calming down, I think about running away.  I realize it is nothing other than myself and my shortcomings I may want to escape from.  Decisions about work and when and how to return, doing things but not accomplishing enough, and just not being perfect.  And I know we all have things we would like to change.  We are all human and that means imperfections and sometimes we are more accepting of ourselves than others.  Ah well, I stay and do what I can to be the best I can.  And I have so much to be grateful for…

Last dose of steroids this morning.  Another round in a couple of months.  Still regular pills. In some ways, he is feeling fine but then today he told me his left ankle is weak and hurts.  It is normally his right one that is weak.  At bedtime, he said his back has been sore on and off for a while.  I don't think any of these things are serious.  I imagine if he feels something new or uncomfortable, he feels concern.  Fear of cancer returning sounds fairly common after one has had a diagnosis.  And while the chemo has eased up, he is still getting some and it will take a while for him to feel stronger and healthier. Overall, it was a decent day and he sure has a good appetite! He was inspired to draw another cat.  Cute.