Lovingheart

Moira's short visit is over and she left for Toronto this morning.  I imagine at this time she is on her way home in Montreal.  Nice to see her and hear of her travels.   Marlon was ok again today.  He went the whole day without throwing up.  I can't say he did much.  He hasn't drawn or done origami in a while.  No desire for either.  No more stories and everything is boring unless it has a shiny electronic screen.  Ho-hum. While he ignored most of his supper tonight, I was stretching his feet and legs.  I hadn't noticed before the muscle difference in his calves.  His right leg is much smaller.  Last night, he banged his left foot on the pool so he is hobbling even more awkwardly. I am listening to the book, Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer.  Poetic, well written, and speaks of indigenous lives and practices.  One chapter was on rebuilding old-growth forests.  Not the same at all but I like the bi...

The day started with the usual throw-up but seemed to get better after that.  After a light breakfast, he had a decent lunch.  I got him poutine from the latest favourite place so he even had some supper.  Even though the power was out for 2.5 hours, I don't think he missed it.  He read and had computer time.  Paco spent the day working on the car.  He has decided to replace the hood, so with the help of our landlord and his son, he got a new hood and has fixed the front end.  Just waiting on fixing the door too.  I didn't think it was worth it with the car not having much life left but I think Paco appreciates the project. Just as the rain started pelting down around suppertime, Moira and the bicycle arrived back.  They covered approximately 630km since last Monday.  One day she wasn't cycling because the flywheel needed to be replaced.  She played chess with Marlon under the cat's supervision (cats love to get close to those that ...

Once again this morning, I heard Marlon and knew he wasn't well and was going to throw up.  Didn't take long.  I really don't know why he has been feeling so unwell.  You know it's bad when he can only eat a half piece of pizza which was his lunch.  Leftovers from Toronto the other day, when he was excited to be able to eat and keep down two pieces. Ann and her dog, Simba, came by for a walk this morning.  She pointed out the blue heron in the tree, and it took her and Marlon directing my eyes for me to see the camouflaged bird. Good zoom on the camera. Marlon did swim this afternoon though he was debating not, because changing and getting to the pool felt like too much effort for him.  He had no supper but threw up instead.  I was outside this evening when I heard an unusual bird.  I staggered looking up in the tree to see the owner of this sound and found I had to look much, much higher than the tree to see the bird squawking in flight.  I ...

I was woken at 3 this morning by Marlon calling, 'Bucket, mama, bucket'.  Normally he has his yogurt container beside him in bed, just in case he is going to be sick.  I managed to get down from the top bunk, run across the room, grab the container, and back to him in time for him to throw up.  After a trip to the washroom, and clean up, back to bed again.  This morning around his wake-up time, he was sick again  After that, he had an appetite and was eating, but not much. We were gifted some Garfield books so between listening to audiobooks and podcasts, he was reading the books.  I was called over many times when he was reading the books to share in his amusement.  He also spent a fair bit of time playing Minecraft with others today.  Two sets of friends and his brother. And this afternoon he went for a swim.  He wasn't sure if he would be able to swim right now but he was and enjoyed cooling off in the water. A good day.  He ate a lit...

Last night, doing some things in the kitchen, I grabbed a bowl, except I got the whole stack which fell, knocked a glass off the counter.  Big noise (3 people in bed) and some breaks.  Geez, really.  What am I doing wrong? Add that to the car, and a few other things, and I was in a funk today.  It will pass, it is passing, but it was a low day. Marlon is looking forward to tie-dying a t-shirt.  He has one he did a few years ago and it is falling apart with the neck all stretched out.  Other than that he doesn't have much on the go.  He is feeling ok again.  Still weak and limping and his appetite is so-so. Interesting that this picture is from 7 years ago, almost to the day. Today, after going to the market in Guelph, I saw someone designing the same kind of bubbles.  Fun!

I am 'runned out'.  I feel like I haven't stopped the past couple of days.  Helping out with the party and then the clean up and then today's plans. Linsy and I were going to Toronto to give my sister a hand as she is putting her house on the market.  Marlon has been feeling much better.  The first part of the morning was rough with the mouth sores but eased up. He was going to stay home with his dad and brother but last minute decided to come to Toronto.  Marlon had made a speciall request for Ikea meatballs.  We stopped and luckily I was able to run in without waiting in line.  Driving along the road, slick with the rain, and I noticed too late the car in front of me had stopped.  I slammed on the brakes but the car slid along the road into the bumper of the mini SUV in front of us.  Luckily, we were all ok as were the car and driver we hit.  Our car was not so lucky..   The hood just buckled under the impact.  Again we ...

First and foremost, congratulations Linsy on finishing grade 12!!  She worked hard to get good marks and succeeded. Marlon woke up this morning crying for mouth wash.  Bad sore at the back of his throat, affecting the gag reflex.  He felt horrible. 'I can't take it anymore!  Why do I have to feel so bad?' 'I am sick and tired of feeling like garbage.' There were tears of sickness and frustration. And then just like that it started to turn around.  Finally, after 4 days, he was feeling a little better this afternoon. Linsy is having a graduation get together outside this evening and Marlon even had a couple of marshmallows roasted over the fire.  A couple of people got together and made a sign so they could take graduation pictures.

Today was one of those days when time runs away from you.  Just couldn't get caught up.  By the time we had lunch it was almost 3.   Marlon has been wondering why poutine is not international yet and still mostly in Canada.  He looked it up.  In the States cheese curds are not considered safe so aren't supposed to be sold. He was able to eat a little today but so often he was on the verge of throwing up.  He walked a little, less than five minutes, but was saying his legs were about to give out on him. When in my wild strawberry patch, trying to get at all the little berries, I feel like I am playing a game of twister with my legs and arms going different ways as I try not to step on a plant.  Then, at the end, I knocked my little container over and lost many of them as they would crumble as I tried to pick them up.  So sad. Marlon was unable to eat supper (shepherd's pie, one of his favourites) but wanted a glass of milk before bed.  Th...

Because I didn't see any reason for Marlon to be sick, I wasn't sure if he might have a bug.  Other than his daily pills, he hasn't had chemo in 10 days.  And because I was thinking he might be sick, I told Louise not to drive us. So before 7, Marlon and I were on the road to the hospital.  He wasn't feeling great again.  Alternating between hungry and nauseous.  The nurses were unperturbed by his being unwell.  A good thing, I suppose.   He had his chemo and LP.  Beforehand, he was craving all sorts of foods.  Afterwards, he had a little bit to eat and that was it for a few hours.  Cravings are the worst when you can't eat. He made it through the day without throwing up but just barely.  At least, the little he ate did stay down.  He looked pretty rough this evening but that is no surprise. I like this picture from 11 years ago with Paco being silly and Linsy so colour-coordinated with her attire and the wild strawberries...

I forgot to mention the yummy pie Linsy made yesterday.  Strawberry-rhubarb and boy was it good.  She made two and we brought one over to her boyfriend and were able to see the two-day and one-month-old fillies.  So cute. Unfortunately, Marlon was not well today.  He woke up to use the washroom and then threw up and then again before even eating anything.  He was awake and contemplating food when the thunderstorm came along.  He is not comfortable with storms but it was short-lived.  He threw up several times, unable to keep anything down.  Before bed, he had a couple of bites of bun and some butter and so far that hasn't come up.  Very hungry but unable to eat.  He is scheduled for a lumbar puncture in the morning which means sedation which means no food or drink.  He will be even more miserable. Moira biked off this morning but before she did, Marlon gave her a lesson in Greek mythology.  He felt ok at the time, is happy to t...

Happy solstice! I had a nice day away.  I thanked Marlon for giving me the time.  Unfortunately, today he was not feeling great.  While he was able to eat, he often felt nauseous and unwell. It seemed to come in waves.  Even after going to bed, he called for me, thinking he was going to be sick.  He wasn't. Moira came this evening.  She is going to borrow Linsy's bicycle and bike as far as London and then Wiarton over the course of the next week or so. This is Moira snacking from a mulberry tree in Toronto.  A gorgeous tree with yummy, plentiful berries

Marlon spent more time playing Minecraft today, as a friend he hasn't played with recently was available.  He was also doing some reading and then looking at something Minecraft oriented and I had him do some calculations with that.  Not getting enough exercise and his right leg is still noticeably weaker.  I keep forgetting to remind him and help him with exercises.  I put an hourly reminder on his phone to drink water.  Maybe I need to add one for exercises and stretches as well. Tomorrow, I am taking a 'me' day.  Leaving in the morning and not back until evening.  A mini-retreat.  This is an opportunity for Marlon to adjust to me being gone more as we are getting close to my return to work.  It has been nine and a half months. I will not write tomorrow. Linsy just saw this and asked if it was a chip bag.  I'm not sure, but knowing Marlon, I wouldn't be surprised.

Marlon was in good spirits today, no worse off from the picking yesterday.  I had him put the dried strawberries in jars.  He snacked on the job. Fruit leather and dried, sliced berries. Today's special requests were cheese curds and sliced pastrami.  I hesitated buying cheese curds as the past several times we had them, they didn't get eaten.  Poutine with curds is one thing but straight up?  He did enjoy them again.  Tastes are always changing! Had a video call with my siblings to celebrate my oldest sister's birthday (tomorrow is her day).  I was busy whipping cream and forgot until her phone call reminded me.  Gotta love strawberries and whipped cream.  And family.

A year ago, Linsy, Marlon, and I went strawberry picking.  It was Marlon's first time leaving the house since March.  He complained about the drive, he complained while picking strawberries.  After, we went to Ikea to get him a new duvet cover.  He complained the whole time there.  At that time, he was well and healthy.  Three weeks later, he was sick for a week. This year, at the thought of strawberry picking I wasn't sure about bringing Marlon.  With his physical health already compromised and how he felt after a little bit of weeding, I questioned it.  Marlon was adamant he was coming along.  He brought books along and was content reading in the car.  To be fair, he is used to longer times spent in the car again.  I hadn't even picked up our baskets and he was eating strawberries.  He picked a decent amount, chattered, watched others, and ate.  He picked quite a while and then decided he had enough and waited in the car...

Paco has had time for Marlon and Minecraft the past couple of days. Marlon did write another paragraph story today about a tree this time, not food!   Linsy and I went to Guelph.  The wait time wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be.  She had a drive-test appointment scheduled within the hour.  He told her the earliest appointment he had in Guelph was November but he just had a cancellation in Hamilton on July 2nd.  He joked with Linsy about a lockdown starting on July 1st.  She was not laughing. Marlon did throw up this evening.  Out of the blue but before and after his mood was pretty good. The pill-taking has been a slow process, sometimes having to take a break between each pill.  Each one is buried in a small amount of ice cream.  I am conscious of opening and closing the freezer so often especially in the heat of the past while.  Minor issue in the scheme of things. Appreciating the beautiful bouquet. 

Linsy's license saga continues.  Starting last night, she attempted to log onto the drive test site to see about getting a better appointment than October.  Seemed like the site wasn't working.  How many people know their full license number off by heart.  Linsy does because she has used it so much.  With the website being no help we tried calling.  Busy, busy, and busy, or ending up in a dead-end.  Somehow we heard the recording that because she has canceled her test more than three times she will have to go into the office.  What??  Yes, Linsy was proactive and as soon as she saw the lockdown was going to swallow her drive test date, she canceled with the hopes of rescheduling ASAP.  Apparently, they have extended hours and appointments but she can't even get one.  We will go to an office and see what we can figure out. Marlon was complaining about his legs from the time he woke up this morning.  His walking was more awkward ...

Broke a plate yesterday.  It has been a while since we have broken anything.  Today I was washing a mug that isn't used anymore but had stuff in it.  I was thinking we had stopped using it because the handle was broken.  It was intact until I dropped it and broke the handle into three pieces.  I laughed at the silliness of it.  Does that mean a third break is coming?  Argh! Paco and Linsy were helping Pat give the pool a second coat of paint.  I dragged Marlon out to do some weeding around the fence.  He did a little and then requested an ice cream cone.  After lunch, which he didn't eat, he came out and did a little more weeding.  Glad to get him outside and helping out.  Paco and Linsy worked hard and the pool looks great!  Marlon said he feels the extra he did in his hands and back.  My hands are sore too and there is still more weeding to do. He wrote another story today, this one about quesadillas which he spelle...

I said that lately, Marlon has been waking up earlier than usual, around 630.  Previously his norm was around 8.  This morning, I heard him go to the washroom around 6, after which he typically doesn't fall back asleep.  By 8, I was starting to wonder.  By 9, I had checked on him, and it was finally 930 when he woke up.  Though he said he was still tired, I have no doubt that sleep did him good (all right, my grammar mind is saying 'well' or 'good'.  In a situation like this I would rearrange the sentence but I will keep it as is). He was very disappointed when he woke up to realize he had missed playing Minecraft with his friends that only play on the weekend.  I have strict orders to not let him sleep too late again tomorrow. His food cravings are alive and well but his ability to eat is diminished.  He had something in mind for breakfast but acknowledged he probably would not be able to eat.  He snacked a little throughout the day and when...

Marlon woke up at 530 this morning to use the washroom.  I didn't think he'd fall back asleep but he did.  I actually had to wake him up just before 8 to get out the door. The outpatient oncology clinic will be undergoing renovations and today was moving day.  So while they moved to another ward, Marlon had his chemo at the inpatient ward.  I was nosy and saw who was on the ward (just by looking at the name tags on the wall).  I was glad to see a particular girl was out as she had been in for a while, and had reacted negatively to one of the drugs.  We were there a bit longer than I had anticipated and on the way home Marlon was asking about lunch, not liking what I had brought along.  He got me to buy him something but then was barely able to eat it.  Not much appetite the whole day and did end up throwing up in the evening.  He didn't look too good either.  Two days in a row takes its toll.  We are hoping that was the last time he...

As I was going to bed last night, Marlon was awake and upset because he felt so bad.  Nauseous and uncomfortable.  Luckily it didn't last, and he slept the rest of the night. His blood counts are fine and he got the day's chemo.  Because we have to go back in the morning, he remained accessed.  I am surprised that after the initial complaints about the poking and discomfort, he eased up and didn't seem too awkward with the accessed port. Today's food craving was for a spinach bun like we used to get at the Guelph farmer's market.  Unfortunately, the woman that made them is no longer earth-bound.  On the way home from the hospital, we looked online to see if we could find something similar but no luck.  Louise stopped at Sobeys and I ran in and bought spanakopita.  Not quite what he had in mind but it was ok. Louise is so great that way.  She will ask if we would like to make any stops, knowing Marlon is full of food cravings.  She doesn'...

Lately, Marlon has been the first one up.  It has been over a month, that he has been waking up early.  Often, that means he will just hang out on his phone until I get him breakfast.  This morning, he was reading.  Grateful for the change. I was in the kitchen and saw two people walk by.  It turned out it was my friends, the two Kim's, wanting to know if I wanted to go for a walk.  We haven't gone for a walk together in two years.  What a treat!  Marlon was anxiously waiting for lunch when I came back home but he barely ate anything.  He hasn't been feeling great overall with minimal appetite. I was entertained by a butterfly, slowly flying around quite close to me, at one point almost landing on my foot.

This morning, we had more tears about boredom.  Everything is boring.  The only thing he likes is listening or playing on devices.  He got over it and wrote a story, part II of Pickle Bob.   He called this picture, The glorious, golden pickle, and the solved Rubik's Cube  This afternoon, I decided I'd walk and run errands.  I knew there was a chance of rain but in my naive state, I thought it would start while I was near the end and maybe I'd ask for a ride home with my groceries.  First stop the library, and just as I picked up the book waiting for Marlon, the rain started.  I waited under the overhang, figuring the downpour would stop soon.  I even turned down two offers of a drive. Eventually, I gave up waiting and got wet.  It was a little chilly walking in the rain.  By the time I got to the bank, I decided there was no way I was going into a cold grocery store so I walked home.  It was good to dry off.   I ...

No geese floating on the pond today.  Marlon and I wandered around a little.  Short jaunts, partially because of the heat, and because his legs hurt after 10 minutes of walking.  He looks so awkward when walking and said today it's partially because his right foot isn't strong enough to push off properly. I was thinking that by the time he reaches maintenance he will still have another year and a half of treatment.  It won't drag him down as much but from where I stand that sounds ridiculous and overwhelming.  Argh! Marlon wrote a short story (not much more than a paragraph) about a pickle, his friend the sweet potato, and mayor cabbage.  He drew a picture to go along with it.

Marlon is at that in-between stage.  Like a tween, his tastes are changing, he is changing, his health is changing.  For most of his waking hours, he likes to be plugged in.  If nothing else, listening to a book or podcast.  With the listening often comes time with the device.  And so I turn it off, try to change the scenario. He has a couple of projects (two robot building ones) on the go.  They are boring.  Even his Kiwico kits are boring, done with bare minimum of interest. Everything is boring.  My suggestions are met with a NO.  And then I remember so many people are struggling right now.  We all have bumps in our life and one is no more important than another. Paco and Linsy helped to paint the pool.  Not an easy job and made that much harder with the intense sun and heat.  At one point, Linsy had to take a break and I was concerned she was going to pass out. After a while, she was able to go back and help some more....

Marlon's highlight for today was officially finishing grade 5.  He only had a little left to complete and slowly made his way through it.  I tell him he can get a headstart on grade six but he is determined not to start until September.  In previous years he often continued school work throughout the summer though that would consist of maybe four ½-hour chunks of time each week.   While going for a walk this afternoon, we saw a turtle and I was surprised the shell was quite a deep shade of green. Shortly after the last hospital visit, I couldn't believe how much food Marlon was eating each day.  In retrospect, I see he was starting to feel better after being so sick and was not enduring chemo.  Now that we are back at it again his appetite is not very strong.  The mornings start out well but he slows down quite a bit. Linsy's boyfriend's family tried incubating eggs but didn't have any luck.  The hens laying on their eggs had success and ther...

Overall, Marlon was better today.  He wasn't feeling as dragged down though he did still wake up early. There was a little wind when we were taking the drone out and he was too nervous to lose control to fly it much.  He is very protective of it. This evening was the first in a while that he didn't ask for his anti-nausea med and I was happy to see that.  He was playing Minecraft with Paco and next thing I knew he was throwing up.  He had been feeling mostly ok and it caught him by surprise but luckily he had a container and didn't make a mess.  He was ok afterward but went to bed on an empty stomach.  It is often the evenings. Not the best picture as I took it from inside but there was something about this robin.

I wrote this a while ago but was thinking of it again today as a friend is facing surgery with her daughter.  I remember the tension and the helplessness. Since the night of big stress when Marlon was in emergency, I have been thinking about the different ways we deal with stress.  At first, I stood off to the side not wanting to interfere but I was moving, walking on the spot, so tense.  I was offered a chair but declined.  I was told I could be at his side and again they offered me a chair.  No sitting.  When they took him away for a scan, they said I could sit in the waiting room.  I walked around the room.  I wanted the tv that was in the room to be quiet.  I didn't want the noise.  Sitting was beyond my sense of possibilities. Other times when stressed, I often chose movement.  There have also been times when I do the opposite and just crash. The other day, one of the moms was telling of an emergency experience when the nurses ...

Marlon is pretty good after the chemo on Monday, mind you, it is the one with the less immediately noticeable side effects.  I need to work with him more to do stretches and exercises.  He still limps around. This morning we used some of the defrosted pie crust to make pinwheels. The neater ones are cinnamon and the messier ones, chocolate.  Not bad but we have decided we need to make some gooey cinnamon buns next. Some drone flying.  I even had a turn though Marlon was very protective and concerned that I would crash it.  He made a video with flights https://youtu.be/E-L1DiE53aw This afternoon, Linsy drove me to Guelph.  She only had classes in the morning.  While I go into the stores, she stays in the car.  It was nice to have time just the two of us and hopefully one of these days she can enter the stores as well.

The drone seems to be ok.  We are all surprised.  Marlon only took it out once today and managed to get a picture.  He has pretty good control. I went for a walk this afternoon to the post office, bank, and then Sobeys.  When I go in the store, I think about going back to work, more so now that we are getting close to that time.  Then tonight, I had a realization that made me think.  While he will only going to the hospital once a month, there will be more pills to take at home, some days possibly as many as 20.  I am the one that gives Marlon his pills.  One more thing to take into consideration.