Part 2 – I am so lucky

This morning I was thinking about the second part to the tale of woe. I am so lucky.

Though it wasn’t often easy I was able to ‘fly’ through the challenging times of Linsy’s sickness by counting the ways I was lucky. There were many times where I had other things I wanted to be doing – getting meals ready, getting outside for a bit, and whatever else (how selfish is that?). Of course with her not being well she just wanted mommy and daddy to be right there all the time.

Often I was able to lie there with her and drift off into my ‘gratitude list’. Lying in bed beside her nursing her and thinking how lucky I am to have a comfortable bed to lie on, how lucky I am to be able to breastfeed, live in such a wonderful place, have a daughter to nurse in the first place, and on and on.

It sure does make things easier.

And then there are times like this evening where that list is out the window and finding gratitude for much feels challenging. Caught in the negative thoughts about what is and the fear of what is to come. Feeling drained and empty and tired and scared. Then I feel the need for her to fall asleep now and I know I need to calm myself and I try to calm myself but get caught up in stuff and she flitters about and then eventually falls asleep but is determined not to let me go.

I do ‘break away’ once she is finally asleep, a good 45 minutes later than it could have been especially since she was so tired. I am more drained than before and just as scared.

I look out the window at the beautiful scenery… I look at the monitor which is shining brightly… I think of the lovely tea that is steeping and almost ready… I think of my two lovely children lying asleep in bed… and I remind myself to breathe…