Lovingheart

Once again I am remembering how I felt about PM when he was born. More like how I felt about how he would be. When I was pregnant it was more important than ever to ‘heal’ and ‘get over my issues’ so that he didn’t adopt them. I can’t say I was very successful. When he was born I said that he wouldn’t be the kind of person to be inflicted with my social inadequacies and lack of self-esteem. What was I thinking? Poor kid – he’s my son. He is not and likely never will be part of the ‘in’ crowd. He is not a social butterfly. He is better in one on one situations than larger groups. He doesn’t really have a lot of friends and has even managed to lose a few. There have been many times where his social life brings me to tears. This of course is because it is my own painful life that I see being replayed. And lately this has been ‘in my face’ in many ways. Another mom and her kids that we have been hanging around with now has another mom that she hangs aroun...

Sitting down to lunch and the kids had just put a cd on. Another library cd that we haven’t listened to yet and the first song was ‘Puff, the Magic Dragon’. ‘This used to be my favourite song!’ I exclaim. As soon as the words are out of my mouth I wonder why I said that. This song always made me cry. It is a sad song. Part way through the song I have tears in my eyes and by the end I am bawling. Full out cry. Even as I think of it now the tears well up in my eyes. Such a festive song in some ways but the end leaves the poor dragon alone as the boy has grown up and no longer has time for him. He lets out a mighty roar and then goes to hide in a cave. How sad is that? Triggers me big time, that’s for sure. I am aware of the feelings of desertion that come in. A big part for me is the sadness for the one that is left behind. When my dad died a lot of my sadness and emotion were for my mom as she had lost her life partner. They had experienced so much of...

Ever noticed how much more expensive lentils are compared to other beans? I have wondered why. Perhaps it is because there is a higher demand as I know they are a popular legume. Well this year we grew lentils in the garden. They started off beautifully. Lots of little green plants with a similar look to that of thyme. Lots of little leaves. They get taller and taller (though they do not keep growing higher and higher like many other beans) to about a foot tall. The flowers appear and then each flower turns into one lentil! Not like beans where each ‘pole’ has many beans. One lentil! One plant yields maybe 15-20 seeds (maybe!) and each one has to be dug out of its shell separately unless you are lucky and get one that has two lentils instead of one. By the time we got to the lentils many of them had already started to sprout. Now I sure don’t mind sprouted lentils but that’s not what we had in mind – perhaps some lentils to save and eat later would be n...

I have written before about PM and his bicycle. He is quite comfortable on two wheels and zooms all over taking tight corners too. Rough terrain is no problem and he’ll go anywhere he can with great speed. It was almost comical to me that his first painful fall happened today but it was on LB’s tricycle! Not sure what he did (Thomas was there) but he scraped his chest and was upset and crying. I suppose this kind of thing isn’t surprising as often it seems that if you are overconfident with something and take chances it is then that things can go wrong. Oh well I’m guessing he’ll stick with this bike for now.

For whatever reason suicide has come to my mind lately. Not me attempting suicide but what it means to those left behind, why it is done and really how tempting it is to consider. I have been experiencing hard times lately. Feeling down in the dumps – up against myself and losing the battle and taking it out on those around me – especially Thomas and the kids. And of course the more I focus on how hard it is, how bad I feel, how much I dislike myself then the worse it gets. It does become like a bad joke – how many more things can go wrong? At least today when something crashed to the floor I laughed at it. I haven’t been doing much laughing lately (though the cats and kids do offer some laughs). Then I think of friends that have had direct experience with suicide in their life. I think of those that have committed suicide, and part of their purpose (though I’m guessing this is not a big factor) is to make others aware of how they are suffering. Make them pay...

There is nothing new about gaining a new appreciation for life by being with kids. PM is so excited by the changing seasons and all that can be done with the different weather conditions. A good lesson for me as I have a hard time with fall. Sure the colours are pretty but I think that winter is coming and the weather is so much cooler and the green is all going away and the gardens are being prepared for the sleep of winter and greens are much harder to come by. I was talking about this to PM and he reminds me that winter isn’t here yet. There is still green around. The garden hasn’t been completely ‘closed up’ yet. I smile and chuckle – yes he is right but I still prefer the heat of the summer. Yesterday evening we had a flurry of snow. Coming down pretty hard for a while and the kids were all excited, running from one window to another to check it out in the fading light of the day. PM woke up in the middle of the night, wondering if it was close to morning so...

Our kittens are fitting in well into this household. I think we all appreciate them and enjoy much about their presence (well still not sure about Thomas as Mojo recently crashed his computer and it took Thomas many hours to sort out the problem). As I write this Mojo is intrigued by the computer and he would be more than happy to jump up on here and swat at the screen or lie down on the keyboard. I have walked away from the computer before and come back to find things have been typed that I sure didn’t do. When the kids were smaller I could just make sure I kept the chairs pushed in and they wouldn’t get up. Kittens, of course, can just jump up or they find other things close by to use as steps up to the table. Thomas made a scratching post for the kittens and it is a pretty special and solid piece of artwork. It took him (with some help/hindrance from the kids) many hours to put this together. I am always impressed how he creates these masterpieces. The time, ...

Sunday was not a great day for LB. I was carrying her and managed to bang her head into the wall. The bang sounded quite loud and she cried – not an extreme pain cry but more the cry of surprise, of tired, of hurt. Didn’t take long for her to get over it and go on playing with PM (yes they do play well together on occasion). The kids were doing their usual getting ready for bed routine (bouncing on the bed, jumping all over, general going crazy, and revving up the system type behaviour) and then I heard a loud, pain cry from LB and PM came running to me (I was on the toilet) saying that they bonked heads. She was screaming and crying and very upset and hurting. Though I couldn’t see any signs of where she hurt herself I wondered if it was her nose as at one point she touched it with her hand. Got the kids to sleep (she fell asleep quickly) but then a few hours later she was up and screaming and writhing with discomfort with a rather high fever. She wasn’t calming d...