Equanimity and reactions

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I came downstairs this evening. LB was asleep and PM was lying in bed doing what he does before falling asleep (I have lately been able to leave him there before he is actually asleep). Minutes later LB is crying and as I’m going upstairs I notice my first reaction is to blame PM for waking her up. Immediately I was able to shift this to just accepting that she has woken up. Perhaps he kicked her and she woke up. Perhaps he rolled into her and she woke up. Perhaps he was cuddling with her and she woke up. Perhaps she just woke up!!

Who am I to go upstairs feeling blame towards PM when I know nothing of what has happened? It just isn’t fair and it happens all too often around here. She cries loud and PM gets the blame. His reaction when I got upstairs was the same ‘taunting’ smile and laugh that he has that I find infuriating. How dare he laugh when he has done something ‘wrong’? (‘Ha ha! I just bonked LB on the head!’ Meanwhile she is screaming in pain.) I didn’t bite the bait this time. I just gave LB the boob and sent love towards PM.

It is important to me to change my reaction. It isn’t about blame. It isn’t who did what to whom. It isn’t about feeling extra anger based on his laugh and smile (could just be a nervous reaction or a laugh that says he knows he did something that wasn’t supportive). In all honesty I know I can laugh or smile in inappropriate situations. It’s not taunting. It’s not goading. It’s just an automatic reaction. Extra anger will not change the reaction.

My reaction ought to just deal with the situation at hand. Insults are unnecessary and useless. Blame or anger towards any of the folks involved is a waste of energy and helps to destroy the loving connection.

So LB woke up and cried. I lay beside her until she was sleeping soundly again. By that time PM was as well. All is well and I wasted less energy getting upset about a minor incident…

Comments

Anonymous said…
It helps to know that I'm not the only one who's been down the same path. I'm glad I read this post of yours. It's given me a different perspective which really makes sense to me. Thanks :)
Siana. (just saw the link to your blog in a recent NPN message)
4:01 pm
Lovingheart said…
Glad to know this meant something to you as well. I often feel bad for judgement especially towards my kids. I just have to remember it's a learning process and sometimes I will respond in a way that I feel good about and others it is another excuse to beat myself up...

Shera
8:44 pm
Anonymous said…
What a good reminder of how much better kindness and compassion works, both for ourselves and others...
3:55 pm
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