Lovingheart

Today I was remembering a time at the cottage with some friends. One male friend really liked me and we were good friends. I was remembering the comfort of just hanging out and how it felt to be cared for and appreciated no matter how crazy I may act. How I believe it may feel to be liked no matter what – to be liked for who you are. Then I went to the thought that how many people really know others. This person liked me but I believe a lot of what he liked came from how his past has shaped his life – how he perceived me is not necessarily who I am. Heck I don’t know myself so how is another supposed to like me for who I am. I guess this is the task put before me (and many of us here on Earth) – to discover who I am, what makes me tick and then to like myself regardless. Ya know that’s not an easy task. I see a controlling self on the outside – this is not who I am but this is a behaviour. This is not easy to like. It is not easy to live with but I believ...

I still like PM’s own way of talking. He has two regulars that make me smile pretty much every time. One is dis-iss-siding (as in deciding). The other one is ‘make suring’ (instead of making sure). I have heard that switching on the ‘ing’ on other phrases as well. Last Sunday was a trip to Toronto for the day for us. We took my sister’s dog for a walk in the park (the dog – Ruffian or Ruff for short – yes sometimes we go around yelling ‘ruff!’ – always gives us special greetings as we bring meat scraps when we come). What was neat about the park trip was that we went to this playground area (a castle type – great for kids of all ages) and PM was off and independent the whole time we were there. Often he is right by my side and won’t let me out of his sight for a second. LB just hung out on the swing while we were there – I think she could live on a swing (just today we were at a park and I swear I was pushing her constantly for close to an hour – until she was pla...

When I was pregnant with PM I thought briefly of homeschooling and thought there was no way I could do such a thing. I don’t have the personality or patience. I couldn’t imagine sitting and making my child do work or teaching them something they aren’t interested in learning. Another good reason not to have kids in school right there – I dread the thought of feeling like my kid has to complete homework and I would be expected to make sure it gets done. There are enough things in life that I feel are important and schoolwork isn’t one of them. So I had written off the idea of homeschooling but then when PM was young I was reading more about parenting and that led me to unschooling and it seemed so right. Of course! I trust my child in many ways – why not trust him to learn what he needs and wants to learn? Why not trust that it is natural to want to be a part of the life in which we belong – and learning is a constant in life. As with other ‘big’ decisions I have...

The value of time??? I was noticing today how skewed an impression of time I must be giving the kids. It was a busy day and our last stop was to visit friends we hadn’t seen in a while. I kept saying it would be a short visit. We wouldn’t be able to stay long. You know that kind of routine. By the time we said our hellos, sat outside a bit, hung out inside a bit, took a washroom break and said our goodbyes, our short 15 minute visit was an hour long. After our outside time when we went inside I said to the kids it would be about 5 minutes. I had a view of the clock and as the mom and I chat while the kids played I watched the minutes tick on and saw a good 20 minutes pass by. So what am I teaching the kids about the perception of time? I have noticed this kind of scene before where I say 5 minutes and it ends up being at least 20. I am ready to leave, the kids aren’t and then by the time they are I am not anymore (and I know Thomas would point out they are j...

We recently joined in with a group and bought some butterfly larvae. A neat idea. Something for everyone in there. Appropriate for different ages and levels. Unfortunately they were a bit older when we got them so they were getting ready for the chrysalis stage but we did get a bit of time watching the ‘caterpillars’. The first evening while I was nursing LB to sleep I was wondering what PM was doing in the kitchen. He was being so quiet but ever so often I’d hear these louder, moving around, different noises. I was a little worried about the big mess that may be there when I was done. When I finally go to PM he was sitting rolling around on my exercise ball, holding onto the kitchen counter and watching the caterpillars as they moved this way and that in their confined spaces. He was thrilled to watch them and was looking forward to watching more in the morning. They reached the chrysalis stage and then we made the box for the butterfly home and the kids enjo...

Wondering why there is so much struggle around necessary changes. The struggle, the moods, the angst and then the change that brings relief. Why the struggle? Why not just an easy shift to a new easier way of being? Viewing a perception of myself from another angle that brings pain. I don’t want to be perceived as living with foolish pride. This can’t be me and yet I see the truth in it. Why do I make things so hard for myself? Why do I create all this stress? I can see it. I can feel the pain AND I can know I am not alone. I am not the only one that creates unnecessary struggle in her life. I am not the only one with limited and rigid beliefs that have me on a roller coaster ride between feeling ok about myself and feeling like a total loser. I would like to embrace change rather than resist. I would like to move along without the struggle and limited beliefs that bring extra pain. Freedom of mind and of actions. Trusting myself to do right by m...

Though we didn’t actually make it to Donkey Days we spent some time at the donkey sanctuary . Neat place. Lots of donkeys. For us there was a special reason to go – Paco had to finally meet the donkey with the same name. Cute little scruffy looking donkey. I think Linsy was really hoping there would be one with her name. The closest was a Windy – which considering how she pronounces her name and how PM used to it is close enough. Donkeys really are pleasant animals to be around. I was standing there with the kids reading out loud to them bits about donkeys and mules when along comes Pansy and just slips in beside me and hangs out while I pet her with my arm around her neck. Something very peaceful about her presence – just being there and then moving along. It just is. I’m guessing we’ll be going back there again. Friends and good weather and donkeys and sheep and goats – it works.

I came downstairs this evening. LB was asleep and PM was lying in bed doing what he does before falling asleep (I have lately been able to leave him there before he is actually asleep). Minutes later LB is crying and as I’m going upstairs I notice my first reaction is to blame PM for waking her up. Immediately I was able to shift this to just accepting that she has woken up. Perhaps he kicked her and she woke up. Perhaps he rolled into her and she woke up. Perhaps he was cuddling with her and she woke up. Perhaps she just woke up!! Who am I to go upstairs feeling blame towards PM when I know nothing of what has happened? It just isn’t fair and it happens all too often around here. She cries loud and PM gets the blame. His reaction when I got upstairs was the same ‘taunting’ smile and laugh that he has that I find infuriating. How dare he laugh when he has done something ‘wrong’? (‘Ha ha! I just bonked LB on the head!’ Meanwhile she is screaming in pain.) I didn’t bite th...