Depressed mom and a rough day

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I wake up from a rough night feeling depressed. Bad dreams, issues in my face, feeling triggered and trapped – ya know the usual. Of course the kids wake up too. We lie in bed and they get ‘booby’. I can handle this – I can lie there, feel sorry for myself and nurse my wounds. Then we get up and the usual chaos ensues. Yikes – you mean I have to be able to be on and be a full-time parent when I feel like I want to bury my head in the sand? How do I do this?

The poor kids bear the brunt of my bad moods. My patience is lower to start off with. I am unhappy with many things. I snap at them for no real reason. This doesn’t seem fair. The poor kids and poor me. I shouldn’t have to be on 24/7. I should have more back up and support. I shouldn’t be such a basket case still dealing with issues that keep spiraling around again and again and again and again and… Should, should, should – just another weight on the should-ers.

Last week I had the flu. Just happened to be the day we had visitors. So I kept going. Hung out, cooked an extra dinner, and well kept going until the kids were in bed and then I crashed too. T gets the flu and spends 90% of the day in bed.

I can see a lot of this is my own creation but also parenting in this day and age is too solitary an activity. I ought to have more people there to help out. Sure if I choose to spend time in the kitchen then others ought to be able to spend extra time in another place to help out. We need others. I need others. I need help. Heck I have needs coming out all over the place and no solutions in sight.

Oh well, life continues. Make it through the day without being too horrible to the kids (though there were a couple of moments that I was berating myself for speaking so harshly or cruelly). It has been too easy to call myself names and not to offer the empathy and support I so desperately need. Getting the kids to bed and we have a great big group hug and I let them know how happy I am they are in my life, how much I appreciate them. Big kisses all around. It may not make up for the fact their mom has been a real b***h lately but it is something in the hopes of maintaining our connection.

½ hour later

But what about this? I was just thinking of something PM did at yoga today. He was being bossy with another boy, making a nasty face and speaking in a rude way to the boy to get him to do what he wanted. I mentioned to PM that if he wants to play with another or be close to him than it is better to speak in a kind way. I also wondered where he learned such behaviour from. Look no further, Shera, your search is over. Look inside and look outside at how you are with your kids when you are not in a good space or feeling rushed. I don’t use words and kindness then but try to speak in an authoritative way (i.e. bossy and rude) to get the results I want. OUCH! Glad to see the results I am getting and how useless such behaviour is. I also mentioned to PM that all he is doing is scaring the other boy away from him and that is going against the outcome that he desired. And here I am hoping that hugs and kisses will make up for nasty words and short tempers. I don’t think so. Consistency is key – and that includes more respectful treatment.

Kids are in your face mirrors – enlightening but it can be painful. However I can appreciate the lesson as well.

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